Cranky Crotchety Cantankerous

 

 

Cranky Crotchety Cantankerous

I wouldn’t call my wife cranky, she is more grossly cross-tempered, touchy and irritable most of the time. I learned many years ago not to ask whether or not she woke up on the wrong side of the bed. That makes for a very bad start, to a long day of caring and sharing with fractured terms of endearment.

Most people have some mood swings, in everyday life. Someone once told me that I was very fortunate because my wife is even-tempered, she is mad all of the time. I didn’t find much comfort in that statement, even though it had a lot of truth to it.

I have spent the greater part of my life ruminating, mulling over the fact that opposites seem to always end up bonded together through marriage. I have contemplated the idea that it’s just electronic magnetism. Opposites poles attract each other. like poles will not become attached to each other, they repel each other.

I considered myself to be the positive pole because of my easygoing demeanor and laid-back attitude about life. My wife, on the other hand, would be the negative pole as she seems to find the negative, immediately, if not sooner in most circumstances. This makes for a very highly charged, yet interesting life together. I just try to be humble and accept all of my happy positive ways and do my best to coexist. Oh, it is hard to be humble!

I have even toyed with the idea, opposites get together through some type of satanic force pushing them together for the sole enjoyment of Satan himself. He would find glee, to the highest degree, as he watches individual human beings. One trying to bring out the best in the other as one tries to bring out the worst, causing little storm clouds with flashing static all around. Sometimes they are so statically charged deadly light flashes from eyeball to eyeball.

I have also considered it the work of a loving God. After he got everything else created he created man and woman. Why wouldn’t he just as well create them as opposites? He could spend many happy days watching them, hoping for a loving miracle and coexistence between them. Most people are set in their own way though, keeping that personal character with him to their grave, unless a miracle takes place to change them.

Cranky also could be a pressure relief valve, similar to one on a steam engine to release built up the pressure. Cranky lifestyles always cause the thought and emotion pressure to rise, the mouth emits colorful blasts of adjectives, like steam, like a whistle, releases some pressure and warns of its presence. This may well be nature’s way to keep people from blowing a head gasket.

https://lelandolson.com/author/lghoelson

Celebrate Your Colonoscopy

 

The Colonoscopy

Have a seat, for the night.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/pace-oddity/

DAILY PROMPT
Pace Oddity

If you could slow down an action that usually zooms by,  or speeds up an event that normally drags on, which would you choose, and why?

Colonoscopy

“Colonoscopy” is a test that allows your doctor to look at the inner lining of your large intestine camera.gif (rectum and colon). He or she uses a thin “yeah right” flexible tube called a colonoscopy to look at the colon. A colonoscopy helps find ulcers, colon polyps, tumors, and areas of inflammation or bleeding. During a colonoscopy, tissue samples can be collected ( lost coins or jewelry found) ‘not’ (biopsy) and abnormal growths can be taken out. Colonoscopy can also be used as a screening test to check for cancer or precancerous growths in the colon or rectum (polyps).”

I would ‘speed up’ the clean out time before having a colonoscopy by about 99.9%. With all the new technology today in cameras. The cleanout necessary for a colonoscopy should not have to be so lengthy and vigorous. Anyone who has ever drunk a gallon jug full of Epsom Salts water or whatever laxative it is preparing for their colonoscopy will tell you. It borders on torture, ‘scenes from torture chambers,’ ‘dark dungeons,’ it is inhumane treatment. Nobody should have to endure it. I have sat on the toilet drinking my gallon of hemlock juice most of one night. It is an experience that you will never forget. There has to be a newer, better product that can be used, without having to drink a gallon of liquid. One 8oz glass every hour until your poop “runs clear” and you want to puke!

This is a problem that should be taken very seriously, many people will take the option of not having a colonoscopy done just because of the sheer torture that is involved in getting yourself cleaned out, squeaky clean from top to bottom.  Some of the people who make the decision not to have the colonoscopy will end up with cancer-killing them. That is a complete waste of life. Colonoscopy flushing out requirements must be changed by a better cleaning agent. Newer and better camera equipment could take pictures through some poop if the large intestine and colon are not completely spotless. Many lives will be saved if this becomes a part of our new breakthroughs in modern medicine.

After the procedure is over the doctors and nurses, even nearby visitors seem to enjoy watching and listening to you walk across the hall to your clothes with all of the gas they pumped into you coming out, making weird noises like a bad running dirt bike.

If you could slow down an action that usually zooms by,  or speeds up an event that normally drags on, which would you choose, and why?

Speed up the colonoscopy clean out time. Slow down the trip to Mars by a few minutes.

https://lelandolson.com/

A Surprise Visitor

A Surprise Visitor

Somebody in our family had a premonition that it would be just great if we all got together and had dinner out as a family. Of course, the first question that came up, where to eat? Some wanted to go to McDonald’s, others wanted Chinese buffet. We had a few younger ones voted for Italian. One grandson with the oriental wife wanted Japanese sushi. I shouted, “this is getting us nowhere, we are all going to go to Ralph’s Gizzard Kitchen and pull a few tables together and enjoy a family dinner.”

We all finally got seated at Ralph’s Place. I asked, “how about ordering.” Each one wants to order from the menu by themselves. Immediately I shouted, “No way Jose! That is not going to work, it will drain my bank account.” We can all have the special and I will pick up the check. If each one wants to order separately we will go Dutch. No one wanted the special, as I thought, with a breath of relief. The orders finally were all placed, soon waitresses started bringing out all the different meals.

Everyone was relaxing and enjoying their dinner when we heard some police siren’s out in front. Pretty soon a policeman walked in the door with this big old fellow, who looked like a lumberjack. The policeman asked, “Is somebody here named Leland Olson.” That’s me, I replied.” The policeman says, “This old geezer was wandering around in the middle of the street looking for a restaurant called Ralph’s Gizzard Kitchen. Nobody in town seemed to know where it was.” Whoever picked this place to eat must not get out of the house much! So anyway, “This fellow claims to be the great-grandfather of Leland Olson. He got the message to meet everyone here for a family dinner.”

I jumped up and gave my great-grandpa a big old hug, you look great, you died in 1914. I started banging a glass with my spoon. Can I have everyone’s attention, “This is great-grandpa Ole Hoel, he came all the way from Canada to have dinner with us.” Sit down and join us. So, “how have things been going with you grandpa, what would you like to eat?” Salted herring and lutefisk are out of season right now. They have excellent walleye fillets, I heard you always liked fish, we all did. Grandpa said, “That will be just fine, “but I don’t seem to have the appetite I had working in the woods all day.”

I asked, “How long can you stay,” They said, ‘until dinner is over’ “I thought maybe you could come out to the house and stay awhile.” ‘Well, that is not part of the deal.’ I’m here to just have dinner with you and your family, to see what you all look and act like.’ “Frankly, I am shocked, It looks like you all have a lot of confusion and bad manners.” “You should all be eating at one table at your home.” ‘Grandpa things change.’ Ole says, “Don’t know why things got to change that much, only been a little over a 100 years or so since I left here.”

So I asked him, “If you’re leaving after dinner, I hope you’re not walking all the way back to Rocky Mountain House, Alberta.” No way, “Walk that far, you nuts? I did it once in 1905! “I will be returned to Canada the same way I got here. Something beamed me up, I didn’t have my Derby hat so they beamed me back down, got my hat, they beamed me up again and it brought me here. I hope they get it right going back.”

Thanks for supper, it was nice to meet your family. Leland, ‘What did you say you do?’ Blogging? Never heard of it, “Now logging, I know a lot about logging and he was gone.”

Bye, bye, great-grandpa, I love you.

https://lelandolson.com/